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One of my closest friends sent me an email yesterday apologizing for not getting in touch, specifically during the week of 9/11. I thought my response would be a good way of sharing with you how I’ve been holding up.
Dear AP,
It was actually the best anniversary so far. I think going away at the end of August helped my mental countdown, because every year prior to this one, I usually start counting in my head how many days until the 11th. This year I counted down toward St. Maarten, even if I was sick as a dog the week before the trip and then the week of our vacation.
I was actually thinking about you yesterday and then I got an email from you! I was going to send you another email and stalk your Facebook profile until you got back to me! I was thinking that I never gave my high school teachers credit for how busy they must be. And then there you were!
I’m really glad you were thinking of me, and also sort of glad that you were one of the people who let me have some space on the anniversary. It’s really nice for people to let me know that they’re thinking of me during that time, but when I get texts and emails and phone calls with everyone wanting to check up on me, I have to either put on a show about how good I feel, or delve into the complexities of the anniversary–and then I’m drained.
But, in truth, you’re probably the only person who would accept how I felt about the anniversary and allow me to feel it. What I mean is, sometimes it’s so difficult for others to see me upset that they can’t help but try and inject positivity into our conversation, and then I feel like I can’t actually experience the emotions that are natural to me because I don’t want people to feel like their efforts aren’t working. I’m sure you know what I mean, because you’re a caretaker like most of they are.
The anniversary was actually really nice. We drove up to New Jersey on Wednesday night and slept in Thursday morning. I showered and dried my hair, something I haven’t been doing, but I wanted my family to see my new hair and how it looked blow-dried. I have a long history of coming home from DC badly in need of a shower, and I adhered to my tradition on Wednesday, arriving greasy and with my hair in a bun, as expected. Thankfully, though, my mom wasn’t home (she left the house in a fury, but not before flinging her plate of Chinese food all over the kitchen–more on that later. We walked in the house and Darla starts licking the duck sauce off the french doors, and my mom’s dog is having a field day with a discarded egg roll in the corner of the kitchen). My mom lost her shit because 1) my stepdad is being an asshole and they might actually get divorced, 2) it was the week of the 9/11 anniversary, and 3) a couple days before, she had a patient in her operating room who, before he went under anesthesia, made her promise to him that she would tell his wife he loved her. He knew that since this was his 3rd bypass, he probably wasn’t going to make it to celebrate his 40th anniversary that week. So my mom went to the wake the evening of the 10th and told his wife.
September 11th itself was good. Number 2 and Bee were at Villanova because they had class, so it was just the 29 of us at home: Me, BMW, Mogwog (15), Kaggle (turned 13 on Sept 13th), Chief and Boss (17) and my mom. My stepdad put the flag at half-mast that day, which was one of the only nice gestures (toward us) I’ve seen from him in a long time.
My mom was stressed out and insisted on cleaning to relieve her tension, so I fucked around for the morning while she tried to calm herself. She asked if I wanted to go to the fabric store with her, and I said that it wasn’t what I had planned on doing for the anniversary, and I think then she was confronted with the fact that we were, in fact, all home for a reason. That it wasn’t just a weekend away. For me, though, that’s how it felt—it was so refreshing to be with family, but at the same time, I was allowing myself to experience sadness for once.
My mom and sisters and I went to get pedicures, and BMW and Chief and Boss stayed home and prepped dinner. We ate lasagna, and it was yummy. And then we hung around the house and went to bed early, and for the first time in MONTHS, I slept most of the night without taking Ambien.
The next day, BMW and I drove out to Philadelphia to visit Number 2 & Bee. Number 2 had just moved into his apartment with his best friend, so BMW and I bought him a set of dishes and glassware and some kitchen shit because all they had were 2 plates and ONE bowl that they took turns eating cereal out of. We went out to this DELICIOUS restaurant that I’d been to before with my roommate from college–she grew up in the next town over.
Saturday began family weekend at Villanova, so my mom and the rest of my siblings (with the exception of Boss, who had something for band) drove out to Number 2′s apartment for the Nova-Lehigh football game and a huge dinner of 18 people at a typical Italian restaurant (during which various debacles occurred–more later).
And then Sunday, BMW and I went back to DC and I cleaned the house to get rid of my own stress. And here I’ve been since then, getting through my GRE guide (I take the test on 10/25), and trying to get myself to work on my stories (my first application is NYU’s due on December 18th, and I need to get my stories to my old professor/editor).
You don’t need a reason why you haven’t gotten in touch–you just need a reason to stay in touch. I think that even despite the short amount of time we had to get to know each other, we always connected every time we were together, and that both of us wished we had known the other for the important times in our lives when we had no one. I just want to hear what’s going on with you.
And that’s true for everyone I know. Sometimes I need to be listened to; other times I don’t want to talk about how I feel. Sometimes I just want to enjoy the absence my feelings, sad or otherwise, in order to focus on the feelings of my friends.
Something happens to me when I witness racism: I shudder. I am sick to my stomach. It’s not because I’m white, and it’s certainly not because I’m privileged. I’d hardly describe growing up in a house with nine people and one bathroom as a glorious upbringing. I wouldn’t dare claim it was privilege that cost my father his life on September 11th. I’d trade the recognition—recognition for being able to accomplish tasks expected of a three year old, made that much more recognizable, apparently, because I’ve lost a parent—the recognition, stigma, and yes, even the money, that has accompanied his death. I would give anything to have him back.
Maybe it is actually the lack of privilege, if you can believe it, that has taught me to appreciate life, and the incredible and diverse people who have influenced mine. So when I get a chain email talking about white pride and advocating a disparaging attitude toward minorities, perhaps that’s why I am even more disgusted than normal—because I understand firsthand that when it comes to learning how unpredictable and precious life is, life can’t be wasted obsessing over race.
I received the following email:
“I am passing this on only because I am NOT racist and I agree with this message. Reverse discrimination is the real problem in this country.
I’ll bet this doesn’t go very far on the email circuit.
Unfortunately, it is so very true………
Proud To Be White
Someone finally said it.
How many are actually paying attention to this?
There are African Americans,
Mexican Americans,
Asian Americans,
Arab Americans,
Native Americans, etc.
…..And then there are just -
Americans.
You pass me on the street
And sneer in my direction.
You Call me ‘White boy,’
‘Cracker,’ ‘Honkey,’
‘Whitey,’ ‘Caveman,’
…..And that’s OK.
But when I call you Nigger,
Kike, Towel head,
Sand-nigger, Camel Jockey,
Beaner, Gook, or Chink,
…..You call me a racist.
You say that whites commit a lot
Of violence against you,
So why are the ghettos the most
Dangerous places to live?
You have the United Negro College Fund.
You have Hispanic History Month.
You have Martin Luther King Day.
You have Asian History Month.
You have Black History Month.
You have Cesar Chavez Day.
You have Ma’uled Al-Nabi.
You have Yom Hashoah.
You have Kawanza.
You have the NAACP.
And you have BET.
If we had WET
(White Entertainment Television)
…..We’d be racists.
If we had a White Pride Day
…..You would call us racists.
If we had White History Month
…..We’d be racists.
If we had any organization for only whites
To ‘advance’ OUR lives,
…..We’d be racists.
We have a Hispanic Chamber of Commerce,
A Black Chamber of Commerce,
And then we just have the plain
Chamber of Commerce.
Wonder who pays for that?
If we had a college fund that only gave
White students scholarships
…..You know we’d be racists.
There are over 60 openly-proclaimed
Black-only Colleges in the US ,
Yet if there were ‘White-only Colleges’
…..THAT would be a racist college.
In the Million-Man March,
You believed that you were
Marching for your race and rights.
If we marched for our race and rights,
…..You would call us racists.
You are proud to be black,
Brown, yellow and red,
And you’re not afraid to announce it.
But when we announce our white pride
…..You call us racists.
You rob us,
Carjack us,
And shoot at us.
But, when a white police officer
Shoots a black gang member
Or beats up a black drug-dealer
Who is running from the LAW and
Posing a threat to ALL of society
…..You call him a racist.
I am proud.
…..But, you call me a racist.
Why is it that only Whites
Can be racists?
There is nothing improper about this e-mail.
Let’s see which of you
Are proud enough to send it on…“
Unfortunately for the person who sent this to me (and to all of the other people to whom I hit “reply all”) I couldn’t tacitly approve of the implication of this email. To send it to me, and for me to not say anything, implied that I was also an advocate of this school of thought. So I replied:
I’ve read some pretty ridiculous chain emails, but this is by far the most ignorant. The claim that it isn’t “racist” to use slurs like “nigger” or “kike” is ludicrous. In fact, that’s the very definition of racism–a belief (in this case, expressed through NAME-CALLING) that one’s race is superior to another’s. Regardless of whether or not the infraction is a reversal from what racism was typically recognized, it doesn’t justify racism.
I’m really disappointed to see such a narrow-minded viewpoint espoused and encouraged by members of my family. It doesn’t make me naive to believe that people don’t deserve to be classified by their race, just as it doesn’t make me an idealist to want to be recognized for something OTHER than losing my father on September 11th.
Please take a second to think about who you send this to, and what your message says about you.
And for the record, I’ve been dating a “kike” for the last three years. How would you feel if I called people who believe in the stuff of this email “rednecks?”
There is, however, one person who said it better than me: my brother.
He spent three and a half hours (and he has a fake disease known as ADHD) writing his reply, and I’m posting the whole thing because everyone could use a lesson on diversity—I know that all the people who grew up in my town can benefit from acknowledging the finer points of tolerance. He also hit “reply all.”
[Big Sister], you have my compliments and kudos; I would also like to offer my critique on this absurd and misguided chain email.
1. “There are African Americans, Mexican Americans, Asian Americans, Arab Americans, Native Americans, etc. …and then there are just – Americans.”
Lest we forget, the “just – Americans” that this statement refers to are descendants of mostly Caucasian European immigrants, most of whom came to America to escape hardship, religious and ethnic persecution in their home countries. The American states were formed as havens which could protect these people from persecution. And yet these European immigrants chose not only to steal most what is now America from its only true stewards (the NATIVE Americans), our despicable race was the same that provided blankets ridden with smallpox when we forced the Cherokee and Chickasaw to evacuate their lands and walk the Trail of Tears (many of which never made it due to death by disease, starvation, or cold).
How can one be proud to call oneself an American, if all he or she really is, is a distant relative of a lying, thieving, conniving murderer who assisted in the extermination of so many of the only real Americans?
2. “You pass me on the street and sneer in my direction. You call me ‘white boy,’ ‘cracker,’ ‘honkey,’ ‘whitey,’ ‘caveman,’ …and that’s OK. But when I call you ‘nigger,’ ‘kike,’ ‘towel head,’ ‘sand-nigger,’ ‘camel jockey,’ ‘beaner,’ ‘gook,’ or ‘chink,’ …you call me a racist.”
(Please note that second group of racial epithets is now properly punctuated, and there are grammatical changes to proceeding verses as well. I am fortunate enough to have been educated, so it is my duty to properly demonstrate the use of the English language; unfortunately, the original author of this message did not take the time to review his work, let alone his fundamentally flawed argument.)
The statement that is implied in this group is simple: apparently it is acceptable for non-whites to use derogatory language toward other ethnic groups, but for a white person to be called a racist when degrading others is a travesty. A critical reader, however, realizes the following: for every action, there is a reaction. So when hate is spread through words, as in the example, it breeds more hate through its reaction. (If you believe hate is acceptable, please stop reading right now. Don’t respond to my email, don’t try to call me, just get out of my life.)
But if you agree that hate is something we should avoid as much as possible, then we should clearly discourage the spread of hate by encouraging others not to use racial slurs in any way, shape or form, for they are the products of ignorance and misunderstanding. It is not ‘OK’ for a non-white to be called ‘cracker,’ nor is it ‘OK’ for a white to use these terms with malice toward others. All are the product of racism, and all breed racism.
3. “You say that whites commit a lot of violence against you. So, why are the ghettos the most dangerous places to live?”
The fact of the matter is, historically, whites have committed violence against others. Whites have murdered and enslaved entire races of people for thousands of years. Cristoforo Colombo (a.k.a. Christopher Columbus), the man who is credited with the discovery of North America, nearly destroyed the entire population of the island of Hispañola before he died. Just as the ‘American’ government murdered the Cherokee and Chickasaw, Hernán Cortés (a WHITE Spaniard) extinguished the Aztec civilization. The British plundered India, used its opium to bring down the Chinese, and essentially split colonial control of Africa with France and Portugal. ‘Americans’ bought the products of Africa through the slave trade to further their own industrial advancement through the production and sale of cotton. To make a long story short, we as whites are nowhere near innocent.
Ghettos are dangerous places to live because they have traditionally been the only place where poor, largely uneducated groups of people can afford to live. When a person lacks education, he or she may turn to violent and socially-degrading acts as a means of survival, producing a dangerous environment for his or her peers. The effect is multiplied with the grouping of similarly poor, largely uneducated groups of people are living together and more members of the community turn to this type of lifestyle. These acts are not legitimate or justified, but for many, it is the only manner in which they may know to survive.
4. “You have the United Negro College Fund…. And you have B.E.T.”
These societies, holidays, and media are used as a means to unite races, not to make others feel inferior. The United Negro College Fund rewards progress and hard work of achievers, and indirectly contributes to making ghettos (thus, society in general) a safer and happier place. So, why scorn them? Do ethnic holidays cause any harm to you? Are you forced to watch B.E.T. or Asia Television? No.
5. “But if we (assuming the reader is white) had W.E.T., we’d be racists.”
We already do have white entertainment television. The channels are named Country Music Television (CMT), Home & Garden Television (HGTV), and the Cable-Satellite Public Affairs Network (C-SPAN). Stop complaining, there are hundreds of white-targeted channels from which to choose. White people don’t need any more channels, they already have enough.
6. “If we had ‘White Pride Day,’ you would call us racists. If we had ‘White History Month,’ we’d be racists.”
If we had ‘White Pride Day,’ the reminder of all our faults, failures, and misgivings in our twisted history would overshadow any good we have done in the past. Why should an ethnic group be proud of genocide, slavery, and mistreatment of others? If we had ‘White History Month,’ whites everywhere would feel ashamed of their ancestors for committing such horrible deeds, which would drive us to perpetuate goodness in the world and help make up for our forefathers’ mistakes. The statement should read, “If we had ‘White History Month,’ we’d be better off.”
7. “If we had any organization for only whites to ‘advance’ OUR lives, we’d be racists.”
The First Amendment to the United States Bill of Rights guarantees all Americans’ right to peaceful assembly. The author ignores (again) that such organizations exist.
8. “We have a… Chamber of Commerce. [I] wonder who pays for that?”
All taxpayers within the legal jurisdiction pay into a fund which supports the local Chamber of Commerce.
9. “If we had a college fund that only gave white students scholarships, you know we’d be racists.”
See point seven (7).
10. “There are over 60 openly-proclaimed ‘Black-only’ colleges in the U.S., yet if there were ‘White-only’ colleges, they would be racist colleges.”
(Again, please note the simple grammatical mistakes which have since been corrected.)
There is a difference between ‘predominantly and historically black’ colleges, and ‘black-only’ colleges. The former focuses on an enrichment of culture and brotherhood among African Americans within the educational system; the latter denotes discriminatory admission, and is illegal in the United States. A school which only admitted white students as the direct result of a discriminatory admissions process would also be regarded as a racist and consequently illegal practice. Again, the author has demonstrated a null point through lack of correct terminology.
11. “In the ‘Million Man March,’ you believed that you were marching for your race and rights. If we marched for our race and rights, you would call us racists.”
The Million Man March was not a march to obtain rights; it was an effort to mobilize what was already there. African American men marched on Washington in efforts to unify that population’s vote and precipitate better domestic policies, such as welfare, health care, student and educational programs. But just because the majority of those assembling were African American, the Million Man March itself was not exclusive to other ethnic groups. If white ‘Americans’ wanted to do the same thing, they could, as long as it was non-discriminatory. However, the prospect of this is highly unlikely. In addition to the laziness of the average white ‘American,’ the growing obesity problem would unequivocally complicate a hypothetical march. Overweight ‘Americans’ would destroy valuable highway infrastructure, and electric wheelchairs for the morbidly obese (not those with genetic disorders, those with McDonald’s disorders) would clog the streets and render conventional marching impossible.
12. “You are proud to be black, brown, yellow, and red, and you’re not afraid to announce it. But when we announce our white pride, you call us racists.”
Regardless of appearance, ethnicity, disability, creed, skin color, sexual preference, etc., human beings have a right to dignity. Each and every person should be proud to be who they are, as long as they hold pride in a peaceful manner. Be proud to be who you are on your own terms, not by making others feel insecure or inferior.
The last person this author heard yelling out the phrase, “white pride,” just looked like an idiot.
13. “You rob us, carjack us, and shoot at us. [Insert hypothetical 'white crime-fighting superhero' situation here], you call him a racist.”
What about the African American police officer who takes down a white male (who is, coincidentally, on Crystal Meth) that has been beating his wife for years? Is the African American officer a racist? What if the officer was Asian, or Mexican? Does it make a difference? What if both the officer and the perpetrator are white ‘Americans’? Are they racists against one another?
14. “I am proud, but you call me a racist.”
The author may be proud, and he may also be a racist, but he or she certainly needs to examine the statements, arguments, and situations presented in this email. All have flaws, and the nearly incoherent message cannot successfully produce a feeling of pride in an acute, critical mind.
15. “Why is it that only whites can be racists?”
Anyone can be a racist.
And now, my final point.
16. “There is nothing improper about this email.”
As summarized under points 1-15, the entire message of this email is misguided, confused, and IMPROPER. All attempts at provoking a desired effect are refutable and invalid. Not only is the author’s information incorrect, his or her skill in the foundations of written communication is average, at best.
Q.E.D.
If you know the original author of this email, please, I encourage you to enlighten them with my response.
Dear family, friends, and others,
If you are still reading this message, I applaud your curiosity, endurance, and interest. I hope that after reading this, you have been inspired to take future communications with a grain of salt and a vigilant mind. In essence, don’t acquiesce as a sheep in the herd; instead, always question what is put in front of you, and develop your own ideas based on critical thinking, a solid foundation of intelligence, and a firm system of beliefs and morals. It is this independent thinking that will bring our society (that is, the entire population of Earth) to a profound level of thinking, camaraderie, and technological advancement.
The final line of the original message charges, “are you proud enough to send it on?” Instead of acting on pride, I propose an alternative: are you courageous enough to accept the differences of others, as you would humbly accept yourself?
Sincerely,
–[Number2]
“The True Gentleman:”
The True Gentleman is the man whose conduct proceeds from good will and an acute sense of propriety, and whose self-control is equal to all emergencies; who does not make the poor man conscious of his poverty, the obscure man of his obscurity, or any man of his inferiority or deformity; who is himself humbled if necessity compels him to humble another; who does not flatter wealth, cringe before power, or boast of his own possessions or achievements; who speaks with frankness but always with sincerity and sympathy; whose deed follows his word; who thinks of the rights and feelings of others, rather than his own; and who appears well in any company, a man with whom honor is sacred and virtue safe.
-John Walter Wayland
