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this is what happens when i don’t write for a while: i get cranky, things and ideas build up in me and the communication of them is frustrated, disconnected. they fight with each other to be heard. i have several ideas, contemplations, things to fill my head instead of “meaningful” “work.”
such as, is a response to a mature apology (and the gratitude for agreeing to receive said apology) appropriate when the apologizer says, “i’m glad you came,” and the recipient says, “it took some thinking.”
had the apologizer not already been punished enough? not by anyone else but herself, of course. shouldn’t the mere fact that she injects more criticism into her actions than others form the basis for forgiveness? shouldn’t maturity surpass grudges? and what about forgiving for the sake of how it is perceived by others?
apparently, this does not matter.
and then, thank you for coming. “yeah.”
i have realized these past days, now that i have had some time to think about it, that the punishment is not appropriate for the transgression. there are some other cognitive variables at work that he is not aware of, but i am.
this does not make me superior, more intelligent, snide because i know more than he; it makes me one who tries to help. i see you suffer; maybe you don’t, but i try to understand why–not to expose you, but to help you overcome it. you can manipulate my efforts and call them evil and underhanded, and sometimes they will be, but for the most part, they are not.
and that makes me think–sometimes people have said they are afraid of sharing with me their true thoughts and feelings. they fear that i will judge them, but they also wonder if i will accept them and understand.
there is a problem here–i lack consistency in my responses. is there an individual moral agent in me that regulates when to be good and when to judge, to be critical? are the reasons for being good prompted by experiencing good, the desire to experience that which is good? and likewise the reasons for criticism based in fearing it? do i criticize in order to command respect? do i appear to know all? is this an attempt to preempt judgment? maybe i am insecure.
but then, the times when i am confident: the times when i am confident in my words of praise, support, understanding, criticism even.
maybe i don’t know how to regulate. i split, becoming all good or all bad. there is a way to be positive in criticism, to be constructive without malice, but i am not ready to approach it. i think it takes too much work and discipline that i am not ready to undertake. maybe i’m lazy. maybe.
